well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
