Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
