I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
