Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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