Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
