I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
