dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
