I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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