I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Randomize
