she woke up with a sticky ear
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
