Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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