Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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