We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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