just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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