I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I want a musical about memes.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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