good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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