She is in my trunk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
