some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
