I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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