dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
