Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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