Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
