Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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