my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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