Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
