I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
