Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
