I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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