a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
