I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Randomize
