my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
