How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Four minutes until I can fart!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
His hands were made for my vagina.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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