Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I wear drunk well.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
