I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
