im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
