ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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