You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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