Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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