i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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