so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
