i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
