I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
