You don't have asthma, your pregnant
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
