dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
