Welp...herpes.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
