He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
