she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
