ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
