i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
