Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
