I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
